Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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