Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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