sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
