apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
