New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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