Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
