I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
