this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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