Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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