You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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