Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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