VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Less talking, more tequila
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
