the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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