so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
