he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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