mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
