she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He felt like a one man threesome
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
