I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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