Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
