I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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