i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
