dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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