my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
