Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm at about main and main street
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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