I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
