So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
