They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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