He disabled his match.com account in front of me
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
