Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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