Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
