Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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