It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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