OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
