Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
