just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
