I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
