when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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