:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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