did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
