remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
