I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
