I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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