I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
