I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
