I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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