Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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