I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
is that a dick in a sweater?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
