i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
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