Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
