I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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