Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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