He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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