I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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