whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
