sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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