South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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