He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
